Rocky Road

Rocky Road; that's just how our morning went. I wish I was referring to ice cream when I make that analogy. I'm not.

Today is one of those "at my wit's end" days. From the moment Josh woke up he didn't have anything nice to say. I've repeatedly attempted to explain Joshua's behavior on mornings like this one, yet I never feel like I do it justice. I can never seem to remember his exact phrases when I sit down to talk about it. I honestly don't know if I'm blocking it out because I really don't want to think my child could say such hurtful things to others or if it's my way of moving on and not letting it ruin my day. Is it denial or a means of coping? Who knows.

I'll attempt to provide you with a glimpse of how my morning went. After I get out of the shower I wake both Josh and Justine up. I return to my bathroom to ready myself for the day as the kids start wandering about the house beginning their typical morning routines. After Justine gets dressed she walks thru the greatroom on the way to the laundry room in search of her shoes. As she passes Josh he mutters, "You're stupid."

His comment sends her into a hissy fit. Distracted by his comment she returns to my bedroom now hysterical and tattling on her brother. Josh follows not far behind denying everything. Even when confronted with the fact that I heard him, he steadfastly denies saying any such thing.

*Sigh*

I redirect. Justine is back on the mission to retrieve her shoes and Josh is instructed to make sure all the upstairs lights are off. He leaves my bedroom in apparent obedience, only to stray seconds later. As soon as he's within earshot of Justine he says, "Justine, you need to turn off your bedroom light. I'm not doing it."

Knowing I asked Josh to turn them all off, she argues with him. They go back and forth seemingly forever. She grows increasingly hysterical and his comments become more harsh.

So just what is harsh? It's name calling. Every sentence is finished with words like "butthead", "idiot", or "stupid". Verbal attacks if you will.

Listening from my bathroom I try to temper myself - wanting to scream in frustration, but knowing that won't do a thing to improve the situation. Some mornings I am successful in maintaining my composure, others not so much. Either way I feel like a failure.

Why? Why would my child need to repeatedly put down another person like this? Especially his own sister!? I just don't get it.

Not to long after this all transpires, Kayla arrives. She's my niece that I also drive to school. Nearly everyday the abuse shifts from Justine to Kayla as soon as she's here. The insults vary. Even a simple question from Josh ends negatively. "Did you remember your instrument, fatty?", for example.

As the morning goes on I interject reminding Joshua that his behavior will not be tolerated. By now I really don't know what an appropriate consequence is. I've covered all the bases from rewarding mornings without such outbursts, to spending the morning separating him from the girls so he can't berate them.

I'm sure many would believe this is a learned behavior. To some extent I'll agree. Jeff and I do not treat the kids in this manner, yet I'd be in denial if I said Jeremy never bullied his brother some. That said, what Jeremy does is certainly few and far between and not beyond what happens in any other household.

What Josh does though? It's different. It's constant, cruel, and beyond what anyone could consider normal. It breaks my heart. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels, making no progress when it comes to raising this child.

As we drove to school today and the nastiness continued, I had a new thought. I'm going to record Josh and make him listen to how he talks to people. Perhaps hearing it that way he'll see just how vicious it is. If not, at least I'll finally have a good example to take with me when we see his psychiatrist next. Just as I struggle to accurately describe his behaviors to you, I struggle to do so when meeting with the professionals. Maybe hearing it first hand will make a difference for the doctor? We'll see.

And that, my friend, is what I'd call a Rocky Road. Not quite a bowl of ice cream, is it?

Getting To Know Josh

In consideration of the fact that I'm reviving this blog after a long hiatus, I figure it's only appropriate to bring everyone up to speed on just what make Josh tick. In addition, it'd only be right to clue you into a few of the elements of our daily dynamic.

Josh has always been very in tune to his natural surroundings. To this day I believe he saw and spoke with the ghost of the previous owner of our last house. He loves being outside. He wants to camp, hunt, hike, fish and all that outdoorsman stuff. Jeff and I really aren't outdoorsy people, however I try to cater to his needs.

He loves music. He's currently learning to play bass guitar and clarinet. Again, neither Jeff or I have any musical talent. Thankfully my aunt and her boys are more than willing to help nurture this side of Josh.

Then there is art. As you'll notice on his 10 Things I'm Thankful For list he wrote on Thanksgiving, he's thankful for art supplies. He loves to draw and paint. Just one more thing that makes Joshua special in this family. Although I have a feeling Justine might join him eventually.

He and I share a love of history and documentary shows. However, he's into the military stuff that I can't quite get into. He also loves watching shows like Myth Busters and CSI. The forensic science on CSI intrigues him.

Quick to worry and easily stressed are traits he shares with Jeff. He's impulsive and often defiant. Perhaps those traits have a bit to do with his ADHD and ODD. Heh. He's very driven when he finds something that sparks the passion in him.

The last thing I'll share is his thought process ... the way he thinks is different. It's hard to explain. He's very bright, but he's not joining Mensa anytime soon. His thoughts have no real limits except self imposed personal opinions and sometimes his thoughts and opinions come out of left field.

Make It Stop!

Monday on the way to drop Josh off at school he starts screaming, "Make it stop!". I look in the rear view totally expecting to see Kayla and Josh fighting. Nope. Josh's head was hanging down and he kept repeating those same words. "Make it stop!"

Trying not to make my irritation obvious I asked, "What on earth are you talking about!?!".

He calmly responds, "That music."

The station I listen to had started playing Christmas and holiday songs already. I was actually thinking much along the same lines as Josh ... not already! 45 days of holiday music is too much for me. This is the time of year when I tune in elsewhere.

School Pictures

WOW! Nearly a month since I've posted about my dear Josh. Trust me, I have lots of stories to tell. I just haven't had the time to share them with you all lately. Sorry.

Chin held high, lips pressed together and barely a smirk was what my big kindergartener looked like in his school picture. I'll admit I was disappointed, but it's only a school picture. NO biggie. I asked Josh why he didn't show his teeth when he smiled and he reminded me, "I didn't know. I can't see my face. DUHHHH!" I could've lived without the rudeness at the end but his response was true Josh! LOL!

Several days later Josh found his pictures laying around and looked at them. He showed them to me and insisted "I smiled in this picture. I don't know why it didn't show. Thier camera must be kinda broke or something!!!. ROFL!!!!!!!!!!

Doing As I'm Asked

I've been reprimanded for not posting here. So here I am :)

Josh got his report card last Wednesday. ALL S+'s and perfect attendance. Poor guy won't get that next time as he was home with a really bad cold 2 days last week.

This child really fights taking medicine. He always has. As he gets older it frustrates me more and more. He's now old enough to understand that it will make him feel better, yet he STILL fights it. Whines, coughs, cries, and even hides the medicine. It's so much fun, NOT! The only thing that works is threatening him with the "squirty thing". "Squirty thing" = forcing him to take it by using a syringe and squirting it down his throat. Yes, we have to use this method for chewables too. LOL!

Perspective Is Everything!

Josh said the funniest thing to Jeremy tonight. When he decided to get his head buzzed he told Jeremy, "I'm going to get my hair cut just like yours, then I'm going to be a red head too!"

LOL!!!

Halloween

Josh is going to be an Army guy for Halloween. He now has the buzz cut to match. Pictures to follow.

Of course, his Daddy didn't say anything verbally. His look said it all. He's NOT happy. One day Jeff will realize that you have to CHOOSE your battles. Hair isn't a really important one.

Honestly I prefer Josh with some short hair on top. So we're (Josh and I) calling this his "Halloween cut" and hoping he'll agree to grow it out LOL!!!!

Heartache

Josh asked me this morning, "Why couldn't God just put his hands out and stop the planes?" THAT question made my heart ache. If only that were possible.